I Smell an Ambush

Upon my return only a few days before my second semesters as a teacher would begin I received an email that read something like this, “Welcome back. Tomorrow we will have a staff meeting at 3:00 p.m. to discuss this semester, and afterward we will go get something to eat.” Hmm, I read this message to Joe and Gillian. They had received similar ones. We kicked it around. Something’s not right I concluded. “This reeks of an ambush banquette”, I warned  them. They agreed, but also reasoned, “No, maybe not, the last Christmas banquette should have taught them a lesson.” All banquettes involve the ceremonial baijiu alcohol hazing. I think I have talked about this before. Even if you abstain from alcohol completely they will judge you and try to force the liquid fire down your throat.

 The Christmas Banquette was by all accounts… “debacle” is not the right word because the Chinese administration loves to get all the waigouren five sheets to the wind and see what happens-- but the Christmas banquette was different, there was music. Somebody hooked up their iPod which completely changed the dynamic. People drank harder and starting dancing - the banquette yielded several blackouts, somebody threw up on the bus on the way home-- one of the other foreign teachers tried to kiss a Chinese teacher who was married, and the next morning I’m pretty sure almost everybody involved woke up with a headache and thought, “woah, that was a bit much..”

Anyway, our suspicions of an ambush banquette were justified. They took us to the same restaurant where we had our first banquette; it didn’t take a detective to know what was coming. As we all sat down they adjusted the seating arrangement to their liking, pairing weaker drinkers with stronger ones and mixing Chinese administrators with the waigourens as well. Our boss is a funny lady. Gao Wen is horribly over worked, but maintains a great since of humor, and she is always amusing herself. Part of this characteristic played out at this banquette-- seating the married girl who was kissed at the last banquette right next to her would be suitor. She knew exactly what she was doing, as did everybody else at the table. As the shots start flying I go to the bathroom. I come back to intermittent laughter, seemingly at me.

 Julian, a very small but funny Chinese administrator informs me that I have missed my turn and thus I must be punished. He makes his way over to me and tells me that I must take 5 shots to amend my cultural blunder. I square things up, and Gao Wen informs me that if I want to be rich I should take one more. I indulge her, before my arm can even come back down again she is already firing out her next baited question, “Do you want to be lucky?” Not too coy Gao Wen. No I think I will take the money and run.

This banquette was actually in honor of the lantern festival, and the last day of Chinese New Year. Also, it is arguably the loudest day as the remainder of all the fireworks should be used up. The result is a bouquet of noises, well really just two noises: fireworks and car alarms. Hopefully it is as close as I will ever get to a war zone. One must keep his wits about him walking down the street as strings of fireworks are simply placed on the sidewalk, lit, and run from. It is easy to be talking to someone and all of the sudden you’re under fire because you unknowingly walked into a timed explosion of light and noise. Anyway, at the end of the banquette we were all given our own lanterns and let loose on the city of Zhengzhou. Home again, home again.